(taps music stand with conductor’s baton) Ok folks, that’s it for tonight. Thanks for coming along to the rehearsal – meeting for the choir committee in the vestry, please...

Ooh, April, (sound of rubbing hands) Brilliant! You’ve got the kettle on. Let’s have a brew, it was pretty cold in the church tonight.

Oo, look what I’ve got in my bag, April – Janine’s just got these in her gift shop. They’re new. Want to try one ?

What….?

They’re funny. They’re like willies but chocolate. Chocolate willies. Chocolate you can eat, but in the shape of a willy. Mm ? …… Quite realistic aren’t they?

No

Aren’t they ?

I suppose we’d better get rid of them before the Vicar comes in. (sound of munching and chewing and nom nom nom)

Oh, good – tea ! (sound of tea pouring etc) Erm, you’ve got chocolate on your chin April, what have you been eating ?

totally flustered) Er….it’s cock.....er...co......er…co....cooking chocolate. (in a rush) Deidre wanted my opinion on her new cupcake recipe.

To what do we owe the pleasure of your company, Gabrielle ? I thought choir practice was only for ‘oldies’.

(wearily) yeah, yeah – I just wanted a lift home from the pub. Last bus has gone.

Typical student…

Right, let’s call this meeting to order. Let’s just have a role call – Dan? Deidre? Cressida? Brian? April? (each mutter in turn to acknowledge their attendance) Thanks for staying behind, just wanted to finalise a few last minute details for the audition tomorrow. As you know, the BBC wants to come along and film an episode of Songs of Praise here at St Jude’s (excited murmurings)

Can I just interrupt, Leonard ? It’s just I’m a bit worried. I’m not a big churchgoer and I don’t want to look like a complete idiot in front of the whole nation, but I do want to look......well, religious. I never get it right. When you cross yourself, do you go left right or right left ? I can never remember.

(cheerily) It’s very simple, Deidre. Just follow this and you’ll never go wrong - Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch. Got it? Assorted gasps Come on everybody, all together – spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch (all join in haltingly ) There – you all know how to do it now……

(weakly) Erm….I’m not quite sure that’s what the good Lord had in mind……sighs…. Oh well, if it helps……

Leonard, changing the subject - I’d like to know why we can’t sing a selection of songs from the musicals ? What about something from Les Miserables? I was thinking of Do you hear the people sing? Or perhaps Bring him Home….

Pfft – if we did something from The Glums, we’d have to get the Samaritans on standby.

(offended) Well, alright, then – what about something from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers ?

(wearily) April – the clue’s in the name. The BBC calls it Songs of Praise, not Songs of Musicals for Sad and Sorry Billy No-Mates!

If that’s settled, then I think we’d better move swiftly on. I’m pleased to announce that the BBC will be bringing along their newest tv star, high profile choirmaster – or should that be choirmistress, I never know - Caris Malone, who recently found fame with her programme The Charismatic Choir. For those of you who don’t know anything about it, I’ve printed off the press release from the BBC website...(rustling as hands out papers)

Oh, yes I remember seeing this on the telly.

(weakly) oh my goodness. Is that what she looks like ? Is that her ?

Is there a picture ?

Back page.....

Ooh.

Looks like she’s had some work done.

Some ? More like a complete conversion, with all on site rubbish removed......

Isn’t that..... ?

Didn’t she used to be ?

Yes. I thought it was just me. I was hoping....Oh, hell.

What are you all going on about ?

Sorry, Gabrielle, you’re far too young. (sigh) You see, we already know this Caris Malone. She used to live in this village, left about ....how long ago ?

It must be nineteen, twenty years

Surely not

Are you sure ?

So why are all your knickers in a twist ?

Well, let’s just say that she wouldn’t be winning any popularity contests any time soon. She has this way of ......(peters out)

Let’s just say that if she were to have her conscience removed it would only be a very minor operation.

Someone said her mother tried to kill her when she was a baby. She denied it, of course. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep her fresh

The woman on the Durex counter in Boots cried when she moved away

Condoms ! What does an oldie want with condoms ?

She made balloon animals out of them, what do you think ?

Her motto was the Four Fs – find ‘em, feel’em, fuck ‘em, forget ‘em

Never did find out exactly why she left the village. Rumour had it she came into money, but can’t see anyone caring enough to leave her anything in a will.

Caris: Well, well, well. Seems things don’t change much in this backwater. Everyone’s still got their noses in other people’s business.

Caris: What’s up ? Cat got your tongues ?

(swiftly recovering from the shock) Erm.. good to see you again Caris... after all these years. Here, have a seat…..

Caris: Well, well, well. Look at you all. Still the same sad faces. Huh ! Should have known you’ll turn up for something ‘exciting’ like this. Lights up your dull and tiny little lives, doesn’t it ? Let’s have a look at you all: Ah, Deidre. Somewhere a village is still looking for its idiot. Someone should tell them where you are, my love. Put everyone out of their misery. I think it’s brave, Dan, to go for such a tiny, petite, nay stunted, thin hipped, androgynous Gollum in a dress kind of look. That’s very much as though you’ve chosen to say to the world ‘hello there, ideally my betrothed would be a malnourished orphan boy’

Dan mutters something, but only discernible word is ‘Amazonian’

Caris: She’s only Amazonian if it means she’s available on line, 24/7, at a discounted price.

Still married to the same old Dan ? Ah, yes - Dan, Dan, the Ministry Man. How is life in the Government ? Still a failure ? Still behind the desk ? Too old to be another James Bond ? As if you ever stood a chance. And Brian – as grey and boring as ever. Do you remember when we worked together at Everglade’s ? Do you remember how you used to dribble over your calculator every time I walked past ? Happy Days ! For you. Cressida - well, you scrub up well, I must say. I tried that dress too but it looked cheap and nasty on me. (pause) Suits you, though. And don’t tell me this is your daughter. Goodness, she doesn’t look much like you, does she ? I mean, you’re so…..plain and flat chested. I mean, the only possible use you could have for a bra would be for gender identification in the event of an accident

I don’t know who you are and why you’re being such a bitch, but let me tell you I’m not happy with you being here.

Caris: And I’m not happy with your halitosis, dear.

April, darling – still up to your armpits in other people’s toilets ? And your fingers – still a little ...sticky?

I have my own cleaning business now. Doing well, actually.

Caris: Ah – licensed to mop! You must be thrilled. And last but not least – Leonard. The local holy Joe. I’d recognise that chin anywhere. The top one at least. How are you ? Still visiting your parishioner at that little place in town ?

I think that’s enough now, lady. Leave everyone alone, do your job and just bugger off back under the stone you came from.

Caris: (sweetly) (quietly to Brian) Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, Brian – you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. (more normal voice) Dahling – when we made love – or as I liked to call it being trapped under rubble - I didn’t hear you complaining then.

Well, things have changed. It’s all out in the open. Cressida has forgiven me and we all see you now for what you are – a hypocritical, back stabbing, loose legged bitch who wouldn’t understand the word no if it were written in 24 different languages, including slapper!

Caris: Ah, but you might find that perhaps Everglades may not be quite so pleased if they knew what I do. And for the record, my sex life is perfectly fine, thank you.

Yeah – but it’s better to have a partner

Caris: Volunteering ? Don’t tell me you count yourself as a man now ?

Not compared to you, no

Caris: (up close and threateningly) If I were you, I’d run

If you were me, you’d be good looking.

Caris: I believe your last girlfriend got a puncture

Does your boyfriend wear an asbestos coated condom and bio-hazard suit ?

Caris: Shut up, you’ll never be the man your wife is.

Enough, enough. Let’s just all calm down.

Do you hear that, Caris ? It’s the sound of no-one caring.

Caris: How many spoonfuls of Bitch did you have in your morning coffee, dear ? Sorry, I forgot, you like to drink by the litre....

I said enough ! Really, people, manners! We’re in God’s house so let’s treat it with a little respect – please!

Caris: Now that I’ve said Hello, I shall bid you all a good night. One last thing –for those of you who don’t know, or who’ve forgotten who I am.....tread lightly. And good luck for the audition tomorrow – you’ll need it. Losers.

Come on, I think we all need a drink after that.