Have you seen what’s happened to my bloody roses ! I mean have you? Just look at them – butchered ! Every last one of them with their heads chopped off! Totally useless now. There’s no way I can enter these into the gardening show !

(bitchily) All is not lost, perhaps Step-Mother dear has a recipe for pot pourri ! (everyone looks at her)

Sarah !

Well, I don’t know what all you lot are making a fuss about. It’s only a bloody flower. And it’s only a tiny little provincial flower show. God, anyone would think the Queen was coming ! Quite frankly the prize money wouldn’t keep me in fags.

It’s the principle. It’s the prestige, it’s really important to the local rose-growers. You know as well as I do that the first prize for the show is to have the honour of naming the new hybrid tea-rose that the Nursery’s just grown. It’s a really big deal to people who care for something other than themselves !

Where’s Victor ? He’d understand !

I think he must have gone up to Bluebell Wood early, he’s not upstairs…

(Interrupting) What’s he gone up there for again ? I hope he’s not harassing my men! They’ve got better things to do than listen to the inane ramblings of a madman !

Oh not again, George. Please just leave it. Goodness, if you carry on like this, you’ll give yourself a heart attack!

I don’t know where Victor is, George. We had breakfast without him and were about to start the meeting when you burst in.

I’m sorry, I just found the roses and saw red ……

So what happened ?

Well I got up this morning, everything’s fine and I went down the garden to check on them. Well you do after all that’s been happening and found this……….this ……massacre !

I’m surprised you’ve not been sleeping with them ! After all from what we hear you don’t much like sleeping in your own bed.

Now that’s enough ! Whilst you’re in my house, you will live by my rules and treat my friends and guests with respect. Apologise to George at once and then leave the room.

I’d rather knit my own intestines into a vest. (gets up and leaves the room. Flounces actually)

I’m so sorry, George, I just don’t know what to do with her. She gets worse and worse and ever since she and Victor had that row, well she’s just impossible.

It’s alright, we can see you’re doing your best under very trying circumstances.

Right – well, let’s get on with the meeting. In view of things, we’d better discuss what we’re going to do about all this vandalism. George has had all his rose heads removed…

Chopped off they were, bloody chopped off!!

Please don’t start him off again, Penny.

Then there was Mrs Prendergast who had hers sprayed with petrol and set fire to…

And James Willoughby had the soil surrounding his roses saturated with sea salt and watered in and they all died.

And Mary Clarke’s were sabotaged by a gallon and a half of Roundup, which sadly also killed her pet Jack Russell, Titch.

And now this. I mean it’s obscene. It must be the work of a complete maniac. Surely no one wants to win enough to do all this damage….

Who knows what truly goes on in the minds of men……. (silence greets this doleful proclamation)

What are we going to do? Should we cancel the competition. We don’t want anyone getting hurt by this maniac. Can you have a word with Victor as Chairman of the Festival and see what his advice is ? I mean he’s a retired Major, he’s used to the field of battle, he’ll know what to do….

So it’s a war now ?

Well how else would you describe it ? Someone’s going to get hurt if this madness isn’t stopped very soon.

It’s Victor ! He’s dead ! And I think he’s been murdered !

This way, Inspector. You’ll find everyone here. We thought it best we all stay together in case you wanted to question us.

That was a good idea. Perhaps we could start with a few basic questions such as who you all are ?

Well, I’m Penny Charles, Victor’s wife as you know and this is my step-daughter Sarah

Jeremy Walker, member of the Flower Committee, rose-grower and owner of the local hardware store.

And I’m Philippa DeVere, local solicitor.

George Cooper – property developer

He’s a builder with delusions of grandeur, you mean.

And you’re remarkably chipper seeing as your father’s just died – what did you do while you were out there ? Tread on a snail ?

I suggest you take your nose out of my business and go back to the Council Planning Dept and stick it where it normally is.

Stop it, both of you ! Except for Sarah, we’re all rose-growers and have something or other to do with the flower committee. We were meeting here today to discuss the festival when this happened….. Can you tell us some more, Inspector ? The police wouldn’t let us leave the house.

Your husband, Victor Charles, was found at the bottom of the garden, near to the Bluebell Wood. We think he might have disturbed the person who’s been vandalizing all the rosebushes lately as your bushes had all been dug up

(gasps) No !

I’m afraid so. And we think whoever did that killed Mr Charles.

How….how….

You must brace yourself for a shock, Mrs Charles. Victor was killed by being stabbed with a garden fork, the one that had been used to dig up the roses.

(faintly) Oh god….. collapses onto sofa.

Good lord, you don’t hang about, do you ? My father’s barely dead and already you’re making the moves…..

(weakly) Sarah, please…

Yes, Sarah – give it a rest will you? Can’t you see Penny’s had a great shock ?

And can’t you see that she will milk this to the last drop ? She’ll just take advantage of any poor sod that looks deep enough into those Venus Flytrap eyelashes of hers.

(angrily) Just stop, Sarah. If you can’t have any pity for someone other than yourself, then at least have some respect for your father and help us try and find his murderer !

So that’ll be you and whose army then?

Good god, what on earth’s rattling your cage ? You used to be such a nice young girl – what happened ?

If you ask me, Victor wasn’t tough enough. She needed more than a row with him – she needed a man’s strong hand – preferably on her backside.

Volunteering ? Don’t tell me you count yourself as a man now ?

Not compared to you, no

(up close and threateningly) If I were you, I’d run

If you were me, you’d be good looking.

(muttering) So like the home life of our beloved Queen.

(coughing) Erm, do you think we can put personal observations to one side and get back on track with our investigations ?

(smugly) And you can start with why my father argued with George over Bluebell Wood.

You can talk

Well – do you have anything to say about that ?

No

Oh, come on. Everyone knows you two had a massive argument about it. You were heard at it hammer and tongs outside the pub the other night.

Well, alright – we did have a lively discussion, but I’d hardly call it hammer and tongs

Ah, but did it lead to you skewering Victor like a shish kebab ?

(adamantly) No.

What was it about ?

He’s got – had – a bee in his bonnet about Bluebell Wood. Thought he was some sort of tree warden or something. We’re building on land adjoining there, and he kept accusing me of trying to move the boundaries further and further into the wood. It was completely untrue of course, but he just wouldn’t let it go. He was always up there with his markers and his measuring tapes, checking.

But surely, Inspector, you’re missing the most obvious suspect ?

Which is ?

The rose-killer. You said yourself, he caught this person in the act of digging up the roses and that’s why he was killed.

There’s been so many acts of vandalism on these flowers and now this – this – happening to Victor. I wish we’d never thought of this damn flower festival (bursts into tears).

So who could this rose-killer be ?

It could be anyone of you – you’re all so fanatical about the damn flowers.

What do you mean ?

Well it could have been Philippa here – Miss Butter Wouldn’t Melt in her Mouth. She’s very competitive – and fanatical. Wants to be the best at everything. I mean no-one will ever forget her trying to bribe the visiting judge with a meal brought in from the Michelin starred restaurant in the next village just so he’d pick her pooch as the best in the dog show !

And don’t even mention last year’s treasure hunt.

That was an accident. Everyone said so at the time.

You pushed him into the river !

Yes, but competitiveness is one thing, murder is another.

But rose-killing isn’t. Didn’t you just say that the murder was an accidental by-product of the rose sabotage ?

Accident ? Dinging your car door with a shopping trolley is an accident.

You know what I mean.

Well, I suppose it could have been accidental.

(panicking) Are you saying …… do you all think I killed…. Well, I DIDN’T. But it could have been any of you – we’ve already talked about George’s argument with Victor, but what about Sarah ? I have good reason to think she might have had something to do with Victor’s death

And you mean exactly what by that remark ?

Exactly that. We both know why you argued with Victor.

Well, that’s more than I do. Why did you, Sarah ?

None of your business.

No, but it is mine, if it’s related to Victor’s murder. Now one of you tell me what happened –

(to Philippa) Don’t you dare …..

Well, you were quite willing to drop me in it, so why should I protect you ? Well, Inspector – Victor phoned and made an appointment to see me next week about his will. He wanted to change it.

Really ? Sarah ?

Yes, he threatened to cut me off !

Was that what your row was about ?

Yes. He didn’t approve of my choice of fiancé. He thought Dylan was just after the money I’d inherit when he died. Dylan ? You were planning to marry Dylan ?

Would someone enlighten me as to who this Dylan person is ?

Dylan’s rather……special. He’s a free-spirited hippy - scruffy, dreadlocks – you know the type. He’s been known to take drugs on occasion, lives in some sort of commune and makes a meager living writing poetry and short stories. Victor couldn’t bear to have him in the house.

Everybody is someone else’s weirdo. I love him.

So that’s why you’ve been in a foul mood ever since.

Yes, but I didn’t go around killing all the bloody roses and I certainly didn’t kill my Father !

So Inspector – who is this phantom rose-killer ?

But that’s the point – are we looking for a rose-killer, or someone who’s just taking advantage of the situation to put the blame for a murder on someone else?