Ten more minutes. We’re nearly finished, my dear. Ten minutes. Hair out of your eyes, look a little more to the left. Stop, that’s perfect. Now hold that pose. Sit up straight. Hair out of your eyes. Now make me believe you are positively yearning for the taste of those grapes on your tongue. Let me see it in your face. That’s it. A little more to the left. Aha. Perfect. Now just hold that pose. nice and still, please, and we’ll be done in a jiffy.

Firstly, on behalf of Sir David and Lady Angela de Vere Fenton, I would like to welcome you all to this fantastic art weekend. Now- let me tell you just a little bit more about what we have planned for you during this exciting weekend. Tonight. should you so wish, Scrabble will be available in the games room, together with cards, dominoes, table tennis and we have a full-scale pool table should you wish to take advantage. Sir David has also asked me to inform you to tell you that that the gym is also available, together with the swimming pool, sauna, steam room and the services of Sir David’s personal trainer. These are all available for you to use free of charge. Next door to the games room is a home cinema, which you will find well equipped with not only the latest DVDs, but a large selection of classics as well. Tomorrow after breakfast, Guests are welcome to use the tennis courts, the gym, the pool or even the Stables. Or maybe perhaps you would like to go down into the village, where you will find lots of little boutiques as well as antique shops. Of Course, you can go further afield if you wish, but please be back in time for lunch. If you do go further afield, please let me know by ringing me on star 8 or by ringing the main house on star 0. Chef might even be able to provide you with a picnic should you wish. On Saturday night we will be joined by the remaining guests attending our special weekend for a formal dinner with an exceptional menu – chef really has excelled himself this time -, so I hope you have brought your tuxedos, gentlemen, and that ladies your best frocks have been packed.

Let me know if you require use of irons or trouser presses and I will, of course, arrange them. Then on Sunday, of course, we have our main event –a superb traditional roast beef carvery lunch followed by the art auction, which I am pleased to announce is also going to be online for the first time. So - who knows where in the world our buyer will be! and our grand auction is for Sir David’s latest offering - a superb, fresh to the market piece by Piet Mondrian, conservatively estimated by a well-known art gallery at 2.5 million pounds, so I hope you have all brought your chequebooks and private banker’s phone numbers. Lastly, let me introduce myself - I am Harper Grindley. You may call me Harper. I am the housekeeper here, but on Sunday, I shall be the auctioneer, administrator and main point of contact. A small hint, however - I do not react well to finger snapping or clicking, and I positively refuse to answer to oi you or Oi Waiter. If you try it, I can guarantee that, unlike me, you will not like the reply. I can be found either in the kitchen or backstairs area, or you can pick up the internal phone and dial star eight. Please help yourselves to drinks [indicates trolley]. I shall return to escort you all to dinner fifteen minutes before it is served, but please help yourself to drinks in the meantime. So - I shall see you all in in due course. Until then, goodnight night ladies and gentlemen.

Wait, Harper - is that it? aren’t you going to introduce us? .

Yes! who are those people you’ve got there, harper? It’s the least you could do before you disappear, you know.

My apologies. This is Sir Graham and Lady Marjory sin john Goffrey, He’s ‘something in the city’. Lady Marjory is very big in charity and fundraising good works in the Home Counties. Both have impeccable backgrounds and reputations beyond reproach. They are both BIG personal friends of Sir David and Lady Angela, and they were the winning bidders at the last art weekend we had.

[nods in welcome , small bow] : Good evening

[also nods, small bow] :Good evening

[together mutter politely] : Oh, yes, lovely

Oh, thank you everso. One does one’s best.

Next we have Mr and Mrs Dennis Wakefield. Mrs Wakefield is a solicitor and will oversee all the legalities of this weekend, supervising the auction, transferring ownership etc...

[together mutter politely ]oh, lovely

Oh, thank you everso. One does one’s best.

Last but by no means least, we have Miss Candy Suds.

Thank you ever so. One does one’s best. Tell me, your face is very familiar, are you famous at all?

[blushing] I don’t think so.

Don’t be so modest, darling, you’re an actress. You must be, even just a little.

No, not really. I must just have one of those faces

No, you are famous, darling, [ to rest] Oh, she’s famous alright. But the question is, what for? And if she is an actress, why is she here this weekend?

I’m a patron of the arts. I’ve always been interested in art and painting. I like to support struggling artists whenever I can.

And, of course, the people who attend this kind of function have very large wallets. Just the kind of person you like to support best, isn’t it? So - you’ve wheedled an invitation to come along in the hope of meeting a rich man with a large wallet. Or better still – rich, old and with a heart problem. After all, you’re not as young as you were, are you dear? I guess you have to start preparing for old age, don’t you? So yes, that’s the kind of match made in heaven for you, isn’t it, dearie?

No I remember your face from somewhere, but I can’t think where it was. But you were doing something that made people very happy because they were all smiling. What do you think it was, then? [ shrugs] Oh, I don’t know. [has a bright idea] Are you in comedy, perhaps?

No, not really.

Never mind, dear, let it go. it’ll come in time. It’ll come to you when you least expect it

Good grief, it’s like ruddy piccadilly station in here tonight! You wouldn’t think they had the energy. They just wouldn’t go to bed until the last game of scrabble [imitates Lady Marjory’s posh voice] ‘oh, just one more game, do say you’ll play again’. I thought we were still going to be playing when the gong went for breakfast

I know, I wonder what they’ve all been doing? More importantly, when the screaming and panicking started, who came out of which room? What do you think? And who do you think were they with?

let’s start with you. Where did you get to?

Oh, I couldn’t get to sleep, I was so hungry. I can’t be doing with this sort of cooking. I need more than two peas and a slice of carrot. Harper said if I went down to his pantry, he’d find me a slice of game pie or a scotch egg and a cup of tea. My brother says I’m common and I don’t’ do’ haute cuisine. I just say if I’m paying £40 for a main course, I want to see more than a white plate. But then I’m not a poncy, pretentious southerner. He might be busy denying his roots, but I’m still in touch with mine, thank you very much.

Perhaps they were looking for something for their…er…sweet tooth, let us say?

I wouldn’t be at all surprised. You never know. so why are you up and about? Oh, my god, it’s not Bing is it? You have still got Bing the Zing haven’t you?

Yes, he’s all wrapped snug in my sock drawer. I’m not going to lose sight of Bing, you idiot. I’ve only just got him back from Evie. Last time she saw him, she was so angry, she confiscated Bing for a whole six months! I dare not let her see him again until she’s calmed down a whole lot more

Why are you awake then? Was it the worry about Zing?

it’s not just that. I couldn’t sleep [lowers voice]. I think someone’s gone through my things. But they weren’t very good. They were clumsy, and knocked the top off my phthalo blue and it’s leaked all over my best bra. It’s a bugger. Phthalo blue is such a strong colour, I’ll never get it out. It’s ruined. And my palette knife has gone missing as well…..

Bloody hell, what on earth was that?

It sounded like it came from the drawing room