Customer Services ? Oh good morning. This is Pamela Patterson here again, (pause, listening) Oh good, I’m glad you know who I am. (pause listening) Yes, I am asking about (pause, listening)… Yes, I know I’ve called every day this week…..(pause, listening then increasingly irritatedly) Yes, I know that you have changed owners but your service lately has been as slow as a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. It’s just not good enough. If I don’t receive my order by tomorrow then believe me, young man, there will be hell to pay. I am not the type of person you want to cross.

Oo-ee, it’s only me ! sound of door closing

Someone has arrived – just be thankful that I have to hang up as I have plenty more to say on this subject. Make sure the parcel arrives on time, or I will be back for Round Two. Goodbye

Yes Muriel ?

Hello Madam P – I’ve just popped round about the meeting on Friday – can you spare a moment ?

What is it now ? Surely you don’t need me to help you arrange this meeting. You are my Assistant, the Vice President, and as such you should be showing the kind of ability that warrants you being given the position, for goodness’ sake !

(hurt) I’m sorry Pamela, I do my best. It’s just that the elections are coming up soon, and there’s so much to do

Don’t make excuses, Muriel. You know the rules. You know the routine. You have done it so many times you know exactly how it goes. I win the election, like I have done for the last six years. End of. No matter who opposes me, no matter what the votes say, I win. Do I make myself clear ?

(subdued) Yes, Pamela. (pause) But don’t you think it’s a bit …well…..wrong ?

(sweetly) I beg your pardon ?

(bravely) But it’s… it’s… fraud ! I don’t think that the ladies would take very kindly to it if they knew what was going on, you know.

If that was an attempt at blackmail, then it was pathetic and had about as much impact as a tea towel falling on my foot. You are as useless at blackmail as you are at everything else. Now do as I tell you, make sure I win the election and we’ll say no more about your feeble attempt.

(stammering) But…but...but….but..

Don’t stutter, Muriel, you sound like a defunct lawnmower and it makes you appear even weaker than you already are. I have no more interest in talking to you. I am going to the Post Office. Goodbye.

(meekly) Goodbye Pamela.

Good morning Pamela – erm – Madam President

Good Morning, Edith.

I wondered if you’d had a chance to consider me for the WI yet ?

Yes

And can I join ?

No. You’re not really our kind of person.

But why not ? I’ve been wanting to join for the last five years but never been accepted. Why not ?

Have you ever thought it could be because you’re not liked ?

(hurt) But I am ! The ladies invite me on the trips….

But they don’t vote for you to join. And therein lies the difference. They’d obviously rather knit their own intestines into a vest. Besides which, nobody this side of Macbeth’s three witches is as bad a cook as you are.

But there’s more to the WI than cooking !

Go tell that to the Marines, Edith.

(starting to get hysterical) It’s you. It’s not them. It’s you who don’t want me to join. I know it is. I don’t know why. You’re just a mean, spiteful old bag !

Morning Pamela

Good morning Marigold.

How can I help you today ?

I’d like to pick up a parcel

Well, come on through to the Post Office side of things and we’ll see if it’s there today.

Well, well, look who it is – (door closes) the biggest bully this side of Gordon Ramsay

And what is that supposed to mean ?

I’ve just met Edith running towards Yew Tree Cottage. Good god, I never knew a woman that size could have so much water in her ! She told me what you’d said – how could you be so cruel, Pamela?

They say the truth hurts.

It’s not only the truth – god, you’d make Myra Hindley look like Mother Teresa ! May you never get a conscience about the things that you’ve done or you’d explode with the guilt.

Because of course you are a saint, Gloria.

Just a minute, Cuddles, don’t turn away – what’s that supposed to mean ?

You know to what I’m referring, Gloria. A weekend Belly Dancing course at Denman, only the kind of dancing you had in mind was about 12 inches lower than your belly, completely horizontal and with someone else’s husband !

How dare you ? I did no such thing !

I obviously stand corrected Gloria if you say you are innocent. Strangely enough - if I sit down, you’re a liar !

Then I suggest you take your nose out of my business and go back and stick it where it normally is

If you play the field, Gloria, you must come across a lot of …..mud

You should know, he was your husband ! He was looking for something he didn’t get at home ! And what’s more – he got it !

Morning Rachel, Petula

Oh, Marigold, guess what Mummy and I just bought ? (Rustle of a carrier bag as door closes)

A new pair of breasts but you’re saving them for best ?

What did I say to deserve that ?

Don’t get at her because God gave you boobs like two aspirin on an ironing board!

Now, now…..

It’s alright, Rachel. She’s mad at me really but I’m bigger than her, so she has to pick on someone smaller. That’s what bullies do.

I’d carry on and perfect that impersonation if I were you, Gloria. It could be the start of a long career – in hospital !

(whispers something to Petula)

Do tell everyone what you’re thinking, Rachel. It must be such a novel concept for you and after all, we’re not at home to Mrs Whisper.

No, but as usual, our doors are well and truly open to Mrs Sanctimonious Git !

That is no way to talk about your prospective daughter-in-law.

Over my dead body, Petula. No son of mine will marry a girl whose sole accomplishment is to suck jelly up her nose through a straw.

She was five years old, for God’s sake !

And she has got no better. It’s such a pity that her IQ isn’t as high as her hemline. Permit me to demonstrate – Rachel, what would you say to people who call you an egomaniac ?

Oh, they’re completely wrong – I don’t like eggs at all.

I rest my case. This is someone who thought the Basque Separatists were some kind of Wonderbra !

If you two …ladies…will excuse me I’d better go and rescue Veronica. She’s just come in and is talking to the life size cut-out of Gary Linekar again. I do wish she’d get her eyes tested, but she’s too vain to wear glasses.

Veronica, can I help you ? No, no, it’s not George (fade out completely…..)

(hisses in a whisper) Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, Gloria. You are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

(hisses back) And talking of teeth, at least I don’t mail mine to the dentist

Hello Gloria, Hello Madam P (giggles shyly) Marigold’s just rescued me from the clutches of Gary Linekar – I thought it was her husband George !

Really ?

Yes, I’m such a goose. But there’s nothing wrong with my eyesight you know.

(mutters) Nothing a pair of bottle bottom glasses wouldn’t cure.

I’ve been trying to find some orzo pasta. I’ve seen it on the internet – and just longed to try it, only Marigold doesn’t do it. Do you know, you can find out anything you want to on the internet. It’s such a rich source of interesting things. There’s so much I never knew ….I never knew ! I’m smurfing the web all the time – it’s just so amazing !

How fascinating for you. How truly fascinating.

Oh, that reminds me - may I have a word about the agenda tomorrow, Madam P ? I’d really like to add something, a topic of my own. I’ve been looking at what’s hot in the chat rooms, and I think we ought to champion the cause of this one. (pause, deep breath, then out in a rush) I’d really like to have a vote on bringing the WI into the 20th Century and admitting men !

(laughs) You‘ve got as much chance of that as Jordan winning Wife of the Year.

(smiles) I think you’re leaning against an open door there, Veronica

Oh, I don’t know – I think she may have a point.

Do you know, Rachel if you had candy floss for feet as well as brains, you’d be the first walking cotton bud !

But we should come into the modern world, Madam P – it’s inequality. It’s sexual discrimination. It’s unfair. If it were the other way round, you’d be the first to complain !

Unlike your thighs, Veronica, that argument does not hold water. Your motion will never make it onto the agenda, I shall see to that.

But you can’t stop me from bringing it up in Any Other Business. Oh, if someone else were President, then we’d get a chance to talk about it.

And that has as much chance of happening as the Catholics electing a black, lesbian Pope. Now I must go and see if my parcel has arrived. Excuse me, ladies. And I use the word loosely

Oh come, on Rachel – let’s go and have a cup of tea. We won’t get any sense out of her.

I’ll walk with you as far as the Cottage

I’ve got my eye on you, Pamela Patterson. Your days are numbered. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Has my parcel arrived, Marigold ?

This the one you mean, Madam P ?

Oh, yes. Good, I’m glad it arrived in time.

In time for what ?

Just a birthday I didn’t want to miss.

I just wondered see, because it’s got some interesting writing on the packaging.

Really ? It doesn’t seem very interesting to me.

Yes, this sticker right here says ‘Too busy to make homemade jams and marmalades ? Try Granny Darlington’s Perfect Preserves – traditionally hand made and delivered to your doorstep. Now, what would they be doing delivering to you, I wonder ?

I’ve told you – it’s for a birthday present.

Only with you being such a good jam maker it makes a person wonder exactly why you’re buying jam for a present and not making it yourself. Especially with you being the jam making champion now for – how many years is it ? Six ? Seven ? And with the tasting for the said jam competition being tomorrow, well you can’t really blame a person for being curious if Darlington’s make a kiwi, lime and ginger jam. You know, like you do. Perhaps I ought to get Veronica to look them up on the internet ?

Don’t be ridiculous, Marigold.

I’ll find out your secret if it’s the last thing I do

Over my dead body, you will.

If need be. Goodbye Pamela. I won’t keep you. I’m sure you’ve got plenty to think about.

(sniffing) I know, I can’t believe how evil she was to Edith just now. And she wouldn’t even listen to my suggestion ! (sniff)

Edith(wails) I thought people liked me !

(gently) They do – why do you think you get invited on the trips ? We want you there, so you come as our guest. We take it in turns to invite you so you’re not left out. It was Madam President who didn’t like you, and didn’t want you to join. She kept blackballing all the votes.

She’s been terrible to Rachel since she and Pamela’s son Stephen announced their engagement

I don’t know why she doesn’t like me, I’ve tried so hard. It’s just that whenever I’m round her I get all tongue-tied and my brain just stops working ! She actually told Stephen that he was slumming it with me and he was to end our engagement immediately. (begins to cry which sets Edith off again and Veronica gulping, sniffing and blowing her nose)

(clink as she puts cup down into her saucer) Look at us all – Rachel’s crying, Edith’s not stopped, Veronica’s hyperventilating and we’re all upset one way or another. I’m just so tired of it all – I can’t cope any more with all the stresses and hassle that woman causes. She has to go. Something must be done – and I’m the one to do it.

(sound of her putting sugar cube into tea and stirring) No, you won’t Muriel, we all know you won’t. You’re too nice.

v There comes a time when even the nicest person has had enough and reaches the end of their tether.

Don’t do anything rash, Muriel - you know what she’s like.

(quietly) Perhaps I’ve already done it

Everyone Hello Marigold, Hi, Hello, etc – general greetings from all the women

(breathless) Hi – I’ve just run all the way from the shop. Something terrible…..(pants and gasps a bit)

Everyone (all at once) What ? What’s the matter ? What do you mean ? etc etc

Let her get her breath !

There’s been a terrible accident. Madam President’s …..dead !

What do you mean – dead ?

Exactly that ! I saw the police car and ambulance go dashing past and went over to see what was happening.

(weakly) Oh, goodness me

And there’s worse to come – I spoke to the policeman standing at her front door –Pamela was murdered !

Watch out – catch her someone, she’s fainted !