Ah me ! Ah me ! My stepmother and two horrible stepsisters make my life such a misery. I’ve got to make their beds, cook their breakfasts, clean their clothes, mop the floor, do the shopping, sweep the chimneys, chop the wood. I have no time to myself. Oh what am I going to do ? I'm all alone. How my life has changed. If only my mother were alive. Life was so much happier then. I wore nice clothes, not these rags covered in ashes and cinders. My hands were clean and I didn’t have such nasty sisters who made me do everything. How I hate them (starts to cry)

Oh me ! What did I see ? It was an elderly woman – she looked just like a Fairy Godmother – I could have sworn I saw her – but surely not ! What can a Fairy Godmother want with me! (faint air of panic appearing)

Oh – who are you ? (drops voice and hisses ) you’re not due on for another three pages yet – where’s the Fairy ?

Dandini (adlibbing madly, hisses back to Cinderella) No idea at all – Deirdre’s gone to find her ! (raises voice), ‘Tis I, Cinderella, by name of Dandini, passing by this house and hearing your lovely yet sad voice, I felt compelled to stop and cheer you up. Do you know what I always do when I feel blue ? I sing a cheery song -

Good evening – it’s me, your vicar, the Revd. Somersal Herbert here underneath all this um – (indicates his dame dress and wig and gives a nervous laugh). Takes wig off I’m – er – I’m afraid there’s been a bit of an accident and we’re going to have to call the Panto to a halt. I’m sorry to tell you that our very own Baron Hardup, alias Barton Seagrove has been found – murdered. Well, shot actually. No-one is to please leave the building until the police have arrived and statements have been taken. Fay ? (call out to the Front of House staff at the back)

Fay Yes ?

Will you call the police please ? Can you use your mobile ?

Fay Yeah, I’ll do it right away (she exits through the back doors)

In the meantime, I guess we’d all better sit and wait - Deirdre can you draw the curtains, please ? Would everyone like to come out here ? I’m sure we don’t – er – um – wish to be in the same room as – er – um – Barton, I suppose.

Where are Desiree and Ivor ? Hadn’t someone better go and see where they are ? Do you think they’re alright ?

Oh, darling, I think we all know where they are

And what exactly do you mean by that ?

Nothing, Dan, she meant nothing.

Bloody nosey parker postmistress ! Think you know bloody everything – well you don’t !

Where the hell have you been ? They’re all making insinuations about you and Ivor. Don’t you know you’ve made me look a fool ?

You don’t need anyone’s help for that

Don’t start what you can’t finish, mate (sizing up to Ivor)

(keen on winding Dan up, but not too keen on the fighting) Oh, get you ! And what are you going to do about it – mate ?

Don’t tempt me, you little git ! I’ll put a stop to any ideas you might be having about Desiree

You and whose army ?

Right – that’s it ! makes to start a fight, but gets held back by Morgan. Ivor’s not too eager to start a fight and doesn’t need holding back at all.

Come on Dan, don’t let things get out of hand – don’t let Ivor wind you up ! Show some respect to Barton, will you ?

Tell him, don’t tell me – he started it !

Well, we’re waiting – where have you been ?

Why, what’s the rush ? And why aren't we doing the Panto ?

It’s Barton – he’s dead

(Almost nonchalantly) Really ? Oh dear not the reaction they expected, so they have another go

puzzled, trying to get a reaction It’s worse than that – he’s been murdered.

Well, that’s not much a surprise. (everyone looks shocked) I mean, he wasn’t exactly overburdened with friends, now was he ?

Oh, really - that is no way to speak of the dead. May he rest in peace (and crosses himself)

Why do you want to know where I was ? Or Ivor ? (slight pause) You think one of us did it, don’t you ? (Ivor looks shocked as that thought hasn’t occurred to him yet) What makes you think that ? What about you lot ? Oh, please don’t tell me that you lot are so very squeaky clean. Come on – now where were you ? and you ? (Everyone starts to protest their innocence)

throws his hands up for a little silence, which eventually works.

Much as I hate to admit it, Desiree is actually quite right. We really ought to think where we all were when the – er – unfortunate incident occurred because the police will want to know. So – let’s think. Emma was on stage opening the show. So it can’t have been her.

Why not ?

Because unless she’s got an identical twin sister or some doppelganger then she has 125 witnesses !

And I was waiting to go on

Yes, but you didn’t, did you ? I should know – being stage manager I was panicking in the wings because you weren’t there and I couldn’t leave the stage and find you because I had to flash !

Pardon ?

The thunderflash – I had to wire the cable up to the batteries and time the flash, so I couldn’t leave and go find you !

She’s right you know, Mum – why didn’t you go on ? Why did you miss your cue ?

It’s very simple – I haven’t been feeling to well lately, and then I got a bad case of nerves so I had to go to the loo and – well – without going into too much detail – I was late

Oh, please go into detail – how can you be late ? How can you miss your cue ? The loo’s there, the stage’s there (indicates by holding hands two inches apart) so bloody close you could spit on it

Okay – as you know, our esteemed Director won’t let us go to the ordinary loos in this hall so we have to make do with Morgan’s portable chemical toilet from his camper – an arrangement which up until now has been perfectly acceptable. Unfortunately the shed at the back where we put the toilet has been commandeered by the village playgroup and they stock all their equipment in there. So there’s not much room really. And not to put too fine a point on it, the yards of netting in this bloody costume got caught on the handle of the chemical toilet. I pulled the tutu to try and free it, and as it came loose I fell headfirst into the bucket of bean bags. By the time I had freed myself, I was late for my cue. Bizarre, but true.

And I was in the wings operating the lights and the thunderflash as I said.

That lighting board’s state of the art you know. Bought it myself with the Lottery money we got.

And your point would be ?

Yes, what’s that got to do with it ? (slight pause) Is he saying I did it ? (looks around wildly)

Well she could have set the timers for both the lights and the flash, gone into Barton’s dressing room and done the old boy in !

What ? Timed the sound of the thunderflash with the firing of the bullet ?

It’s not that far fetched ! Somebody did !

(aside to Morgan ) Yes, but look at her – she’s not exactly Brain of Britain is she ?

I didn’t !

You could have done !

indignant But I didn’t !

But I’m just saying you COULD have done – I mean they’ve all worked out that it could have been me – or Ivor - so I’m just pointing out that I'm the not the only one with an opportunity.

Talking of which, Desiree, that brings us back to you and Ivor . Exactly where were you both ?

I don’t think we ought to go any further. We ought to wait until the police get here.

Why, what’s the matter, frightened people are going to find out ?

Find out what ?

All about our Dan here

(Impatiently) What about Dan ? Did he kill Barton then ?

(with a sneer) That our Dan here, highly respected landlord of the village hostelry the Boil and Poultice, purveyor of the local ale the Bishop’s Buncle – don’t you think that’s rather irreligious, Vicar ? – is in actual fact, impotent.

Oh I know all about that

Yes, he is. I quite agree. He’s Chairman of the Round Table, Captain of the Darts team, landlord of the pub and he’s the King in the Panto. I’d say he’s very important indeed.

Oh, Deirdre. No, you don’t actually quite see what Desiree’s getting at. Um – er – important is not quite the same as impotent. Oh dear. The seminary never quite prepared me for this. Hah ! (laughs nervously) Um

What our dear Vicar is trying to say in his inept, bumbling way is that Dan - my husband, Dan Donisthorpe - can’t get it up !

Oh.

And so I have to find my fun elsewhere. Does everyone understand now ?

Oh, yes - but having sex is not a good excuse for missing a cue.

Don’t talk to me about missing cues you sanctimonious cow – let he who is without sin cast the first stone, isn’t that right Vicar ?

Well – um – er . I don’t think that’s quite what the Good Lord had in mind

And there’s your first motive too

Pardon ?

(mildly) Oh, so you’re not too keen on having the spotlight turned on yourself , Desiree ? I merely meant that as Barton had turned you down in your incessant quest for sexual conquests, perhaps you could have shown your disappointment in some way ?

I did not kill Barton !

And tell me, what exactly did you think when Barton took up with Deirdre here – he rejected you but preferred Deirdre. Or was it just her ample charms ?

Well, really ! both women hold their chests at this point

You’re only jealous because you’ve got fried eggs !

You surely don’t think I could be jealous of such giant airbags !

(aside to Morgan) Maybe she didn’t kill Barton, but that does explain that gigantic pile of manure that suddenly appeared in our drive, with the note through the letterbox saying ‘Shit for a Shit’ ! Makes sense as well, with her owning the local stables !

How do you know he turned me down – I mean – I asked him – I mean - it’s a pile of lies !

Quite simply, he told me. He mentioned something about a proposition, a peep hole bra and the phrase Take me I am your giant Fisher Price Play and Learn centre - he found the whole thing terribly amusing, you know – told everyone. (Desiree looks round and everyone nods) I can't quite remember all the details now. What was the phrase he used ? (Desiree has by now almost exploded)

You bitch ! Sitting there with your holier than thou attitude – you’re just jealous of a sexy woman in her prime. Look at you ! You’re old – and ugly ! Elizabeth Arden time capsules ? The bloody tardis couldn’t help you ! You’re not drinking at the last chance saloon – you’re outside on the bloody pavement !!!! A frustrated widow who can’t get a man and is jealous of anyone who can ! If you ask me your husband didn’t die in the Falklands war – he took the opportunity to leave !

Desiree, come and have a cup of tea - moves to take her by the shoulder and take her out the back, but she shrugs him off angrily

How could you, Desiree – my father was brave, and honest and true – qualities you know nothing about !

Brave, honest and true ? He must have been stupid as well – whirlwind romance and marriage my foot ! She (points at Fenny) must have tricked him – or drugged him ! Maybe you’re not even his child – she just needed some sucker to take the blame !

How dare you ! is overcome with anger and slaps Desiree. General outrage and shock The two women start to scream at each other and it looks like a girl fight is going to start

tries to separate them Oh I say Fenny - Desiree – stop this at once, will you ?

Get out of my way, you berk ! Let me at the cow ! slaps Morgan

Cow ? It takes one to know one you loose knickered Harlot !

I wouldn’t be so judgemental if I were you, Fenny – I remember you when you were young!

What do you know about it – you wife stealer ! slaps Ivor

He (points at Dan) should have treated her better in the first place ! slaps Dan

And while we’re at it George, this one’s for the remark about my chest ! slaps George

And this is for not being able to add up ! slaps Deirdre

(who has been growing more and more agitated) You and your vicious tongue. I hold you personally responsible. May God forgive me but – slaps Desiree, who just stands still, utterly shocked to be smacked by a Vicar, as is everyone else.

aside toFenny amidst all the noise going on Mother – be careful , you know you’re not well.

I’m fine

You know what the specialist said helps her to a chair

Now look what you’ve done Desiree ! sees Vicar’s blood on the cloth

I’ve done ! You’re the one who decked the Vicar ! You’re the one who’s gonna be damned for all eternity for smacking a man of the cloth !

holding ice to nose and says very nasally Oh, I say , Desiree, that’s going a bit too far, you know.

Everyone just calm down ! This kind of behaviour isn’t going to help anyone – or the situation ! I can't think what possessed you both to start it !

I am not going to be spoken to like that ! I refuse to stay on this stage one moment longer with this – this – PERSON ! (exit)

Don’t you dare walk out on me – if anyone’s doing the walking out I’m going to do it ! (also exits but at other side of stage)